Episode Two: B5C vs. Lizard Man in the Dark Ages!

By: Benjamin Holmes

So B5C comes through a rift in the Space Time ContinuuWarp (STCW) without his Future Sword, Time Gun, or even his Rocket Boots. However, he had fashioned a Future Spear and Time Tunic to help him fit in in the year 777, which is where he had to meet up with Lizard Man.

"Hello!" said this man with a long white beard and a pointy hat with stars on it. "Welcome to the Palace of the Crystal Wizard!"

"So...you're Wizard Man?" said B5C with an eyebrow quizzically raised. Then, completely unprovoked, he stabbed him with his Future Spear-directly in his face. "Take that, Wizard Man!" B5C shouted.

Wizard Man's beard and face fell off and revealed a long, green, scaly snout. "Oh Snap," B5C opined, "You're not Wizard Man, you're Lizard Man. Your style is so lame. Now give me back the Princess!"


"Curssssse You, B5Ccccccccccc," Lizard Man hissed. "You figured out my ssssssneaky trap!"
"You are so lame that I am passing out, " said B5C, who swiped his Future Spear at Lizard Man's head. "In your face!"

"No, in your faccccce!" hissed Lizard Man, "Guessssssssss what! I have my Future SSSSSSSSword!"

He pulled out his Future Sword and swung it in an arc at B5C's head. "Yo! Lay off me melon!" shouted B5C.

"You sssssuck!" hissed Lizard Man.

"Hey Lizard Man! Check it out!" B5C reached under his Time Tunic and pulled out....his Time Gun! "I hid it under my Time Tunic, so that no one would think I'm a witch! Which, since you were dressed up like a Wizard, seems to be kind of bullshit now...but anyway, In. Your. Face."

Far in the distance, on top of a hill, a shepherd saw B5C whip out the Time Gun. "Dag, yo," the shepherd said to his sheepz. "That looks like a witch over there."

So anyway, B5C aimed the Time Gun behind Lizard Man and prepared to fire. Lizard Man reached into his bandoleer and pulled out a Future Grenade. He threw it at B5C, and when it detonated, all of the smoke and lasers and shit that came out caused B5C to lose his balance, so he could not fire the Time Gun.

B5C steadied himself and lifted the Time Gun again, aiming behind Lizard Man. His goal was to fire the Time Gun, open a rift in the Space-Time ContinuuWarp (STCW) and then kick Lizard Man into the rift. Unfortunately, Lizard Man whipped his tail around the Time Gun, and flung it away. Then he threw another Future Grenade at it, and it was gone.

"Fuck!' B5C yelled, momentarily forgetting that he had promised his Future Mom that he would use less Future Cusswords. "Now how am I going to defeat Lizard Man?"

At that moment, another rift in the STCW opened and out sprang Time Otter! He was dressed in a sleek gray Future Suit with blue Future Trim. "Damn Dog," B5C said. "That's a badd-ass Saddle!"

It's true, Time Otter wears a saddle, but nobody has the ballz to try to ride him. Not even Yoda. The reason that Time Otter wears a saddle is because he has a Time Gun mounted to the saddle. Which he fired at Lizard Man! A rift opened in the STCW.

B5C saw his chance! He cracked Lizard Man in his Lizard Ballz with the butt of his Future Spear. Then he took a swing at his head.

His fist smashed into Lizard Man's face, but his pinky hit Lizard Man's tooth, causing an abrasion. Fortunately, it was enough to knock Lizard Man into the STCW, and he disappeared.

"Thanks for your help, Future Buddy!" B5C said to Time Otter.

"Weebleweebleweebleweebleweebleweebleweebleweebleweebleweebleweebleweeble," replied Time Otter.

"OK, I don't speak Future Otter very well," said B5C, "But from what little I do know, I gather that you are seeking revenge on Lizard Man because his cousin Alligator Man came to your house, killed your whole family, and left you to die. Then you snuck into his house, killed him, made a saddle out of his skin, and stole all his Future Weaponry and vowed to take revenge on his family for what he did to yours."

"Weebleweebleweebleweebleweeble."

"Oh, OK, so he took you captive, but then you escaped. But the rest of the story is accurate, right? Whatev. Close enough. By the way, nice Future Claws."

"Weebleweeble."

"You're welcome. Well, it looks like that's the last we'll see of Lizard Man, right?"

WRONG!!!!!!

The next day B5C got a letter in the mail. It was from the future...well, at least in relation to the Dark Ages. That's what's so damn confusing about time travel. Anyway, the letter said:

Dear B5CCCCCC,
Curssse you, B5CCCCCC! I still have your village'sssss beautiful princesssssss, Princessssss K5CCCCCC. If you want to sssssave her you will have to travel to the future, which isssss where I am. But do not bring your Future Spear, Time Tunic, Future Ssssssssword, or Time Gun, because everyone in the year Eighteen Sssseventy Ssssseven (1877) will think that you are an alien and the gig will be up. Sssssso in your facccce!
From, Lizard Man

"Well, Time Otter, I guess we're in this together now. So let's bust a move!"

So the Time Otter fired a shot from the Time Gun and B5C and the Time Otter jumped into the rift in the STCW to continue their adventures.

Stay tuned for the Episode Three: B5C vs. Lizard Man in the Old West!