Be Good or Be Gone

by Fionn Regan

What a sexy deer.

If weirdness were greatness, this Orangina commercial would be the Sistine Chapel.~~Very Short List, my new favorite website.

Gwen, Sarah, and Hilary: Lookin' good

Planet Hiltron likes to make celebrities look ugly and that is why I LOVE them! Almost as much as a lolcat.

Congrats, Dave and Becca!

So...two of my favorite people in the world are getting married today. I just want to say that I love you! I miss you! and if I could have picked any person in the world to be my new sister, it would have been you, Becca. That's all. Can't wait for the wedding.

Conan accomplishes his life-long dream of becoming a lolcat!

I'm so proud of my kitteh.

Wintertime Schmintertime

Hey, weather gods, where did all of the 80 degree weather go? I'm ready for a bike ride now, and I got some holiday time-off-from-work coming up, so bring it back, please. I'm dreaming of a hot and humid Christmas. K thanks bye.

Hi, it's me, every girl ever!

Did you know that there's a best-of-Craigslist-ads? And you won't believe the ads that people post on Craiglist. This one made me chuckle.
Knock knock.
Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk.
Come on in. Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment. You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.
Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!
Come on into the living room. Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.
Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that. And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches. Let's go back into the hallway!
Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back... Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!
Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.
Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.
Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!
Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out. Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up.
Come on! See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you! Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back. I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.
Well, here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

A commercial from the future

Because, you know, marijuana will be legal in the future. And we will all bring giant hookahs to work and sit around Indian-style tokin' on our lunch break. And all of our world's problems will be solved. I can see clearly now; the rain is gone...

Worst. Cover Song. Ever.

End of story. Fergie sucks.

I should just start my own lolcat webpage, I know...

Yes, I do spend a good amount of my free time/workday searching for cute and cuddly dog and cat pictures with funny and often grammatically incorrect sayings printed on them that may or may not mention a cheeseburger. So what? I thought everybody did that...

If you're not watching The Soup...

You're missing the funniest show on TV. Maybe even funnier than The Office. Fridays at ten. So far, unaffected by the writers' strike! Joel McHale is awesome!

And these are a few of my favorite things!

Who says blog posts have to make sense? Really! No one reads it anyway! Be secrete!
my flower baby

christmas baby

me and the late great

ha, ha

ha, ha, ha

you know you wish you had this squirrel on your blog, too

and LOL

I was really just browsing through my Photobucket album and didn't want to let these pictures go to waste...so enjoy! You can thank me later.

I really am not obsessed with the lolcats...

I know they're stupid but they just crack me up.

"Nowadays, I'm lucky if I can even get a 'k' or 'u 2' "

Online Couple Never Chats Anymore

Seattle-"Sometimes I wonder what I ever saw in his online profile," said Baxter, who couldn't remember the last time she and Tim Siegal really LOLed together.

More stuff to LOL about

I knew it was only a matter of time before Jon LaJoie (performed High as F**k, previous blog post) made another funny video. And here it is. This time, he raps.

My pen!

Speaking of shows that should have never been removed from Comedy Central's broadcasting schedule...remember Kids in the Hall? The flying pig? The head crusher? The Chicken Lady? Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet? I have ten things to do today? Never put salt in your eyes!?!?

LOL!

Anyone know where I can score some Christmas cheer?

T.V. Funhouse was such an offensive and twisted show and I wish it had never gone away. I would totally be watching that instead of I Love New York II and The Hills. Anyway, here's a whole 6 and a half minutes of Robert Smiegel's hilarity. It took me forever to find this video.

I'm so excited (and I just can't hide it)!

Hope everybody had a lovely, wonderful Thanksgiving. I always dread the two and a half hour drive to my grandparents' house in a town which is even more void of character and soldier-infested than my hometown, only to be assailed with questions that I must awkwardly answer without revealing too much about my worldly ways in a Pentecostal preacher's home. And then there's always, "Why don't you ever come visit us?", then all the females do the dishes, followed by the two and a half hour drive home.
This year wasn't so bad. I ate lots of food, had the wonderful company of my beautiful daughter whose conversation I enjoy more than most adults, and just tried not to take things to heart. It was relatively quick and painless.
And might I just say...although I know I mentioned this in the last post...I CANNOT WAIT for Christmas. My mom is coming out from Texas, my brother is coming down from New York and getting married, and it's Cameron's first (real) Christmas. Last year doesn't count because she had no clue what was going on. I'm counting down the days...

Happy Thanksgiving

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately. Just don't seem to get as much free time to post pointless (yet mildly amusing?) crap as I used to, but I'm not complaining. Anyway, I just wanted to take a minute, with the holiday and all, to mention that yes, indeed, I am thankful and truly blessed, and I would be more than happy to tell you why!
Of course I'm thankful for Cameron, my absolute most favorite person EVER...I can't remember, really, what life was like before she existed but I do remember that it SUCKED. I'm thankful that I have not one but two jobs, an apartment, a car, etc. I'm thankful and oh-so-excited that my whole family is going to be in town for Christmas, and my brother is getting married to Rebecca, whom I love like a sister. I'm thankful for my friends. Thankful for my bike and the river and my home's proximity to it. I'm thankful for CourtTV and The Soup and the internets, the blogger, websites about kittens who like cheeseburgers, Dave Matthews Live at Piedmont Park being released on Dec. 7, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Office, Best Week Ever, Ebaums, things to entertain my brain. I'm thankful for an imagination and the means to live vicariously. What else in the world could I possibly need; I've got it all. So there ya go.
Let Christmas begin.

I heart I heart Huckabees

Oh......I love this movie. Look forward to more videos and quotes because there's just so much of it I can't wait to share. Like this clip. "You rock, rock!"

And this one. It's a little longer. Brilliant amazing awesomeness.

What does happen in the meadow at dusk? That's what we existential detectives are trying to figure out.
Oh! And I can't believe I almost forgot this one...

Thanks, B5C. I haven't been this obsessed with a movie in a while.

I luvs dis kitty

What we call "the news"

Funny, funny video and I couldn't agree more. It's just like the time Jon Stewart went on that show and called that guy a d**k for wearing a bow tie...you know what I'm talkin' about, right? If not, you need to pay a little more attention to the videos I post on here; this is important stuff, people. Ummm yeah. Anyway, I'm lovin' this JibJab website, it's going on my list of faves!

What We Call the News | Funny Jokes at JibJab

B5C just wants to dance!

So just click on the arrow and let him dance...you know you wanna...

Thanks, Blogthings website, for letting me know...I wasn't sure...

And to think all this time I thought my life was totally scandalous.

Your Life is Rated PG-13

Your life isn't totally scandalous, but you definitely don't shy away from adult themes!

What is Your Life Rated?

Hey, at least it's not rated G, how lame would that be...

Congrats to the Ronans

Thanks, Keith and Karen, for including me in your big day. We're all officially grownups now. Damn it! Ok, actually it's not all that bad. Being a functioning member of society kind of starts to grow on you after a while... Anyway, congratulations! I know you'll live happily ever after.

P.S. Keith's sister Kelly made this slideshow in case you get confused by the captions...

I have a new hero

And a new favorite song. I wanted to autoplay this one but it's NSFW (blogger speak for he-says-the-f-word) so just click on the arrow and watch it, but not at work unless "work" is a pot-friendly place, like a head shop or a marijuana farm or something? You'll be glad you did. Thanks, bye.

Being smarter than B5C is a great way to earn extra $$$

B5C! You can run but you can't hide...you owe me $5...here's the proof.
Cash or check are fine, but Paypal's probably the easiest (and the quickest). My interest rates are pretty high so you might want to just go ahead and take care of this.

The night that almost killed me

Just taking a second to post some pictures from Karen's bachelorette party, and making a side-note to myself: if some military guy tries to convince you that kahlua and tequila are delicious when combined...just walk away.

The Bachelorette

Again, with her bridesmaids

The Limo

And me, at the end of the night. Ok, this was actually pretty early. Obviously, I can't handle my liquor anymore, but I'm okay with that.

A process, a gift, and a journey

Paris Hilton inspires a power ballad. I didn't know they still made those things. I'm deeply moved...

Some more funny Engrish

Take a chance on Andy

The Office is an hour long this season. Andy is my new favorite character...I love how he is forever bursting into song. If you don't watch this show, you should. And I should know. So there.
And in case you liked that one...here's a whole Andy-singing-montage for ya. Wouldn't life suck without YouTube?

My new job/ The late, great Mitch Hedberg

So...guess what...I'm the new leasing consultant at Walden Glen Apartments! I'm so excited! So now my child and I definitely won't starve and I can keep my kick-ass apartment in the woods. *SIGH OF RELIEF* Ok, that's all I wanted to say. And here's a funny video to watch. Later!

Anyone know where I can find a Pet bottle to make some yarn?

Stole this from Engrish.com. (Funny website; you should click the link.)

Hey, isn't that...Wyatt Earp?!

Just have to post this trailer of Deathproof, which I finally saw, which was, for lack of a more appropriate adjective, TEH AWESOMEST. (Yes, TEH.) Thanks, B5C, for bringing it over. Kurt Russell reciting Robert Frost was my favorite part. See, it is cool to memorize and recite poetry, I told you! Anyway, great movie. Put it on your Netflix queue, people.

Kid Nation: Exploitation? Nah. How about MY NEW FAVORITE REALITY SHOW?!

I was a little skeptical of this show from the previews...I was just thinking what kind of parents would let their kids... but then I watched it, and I decided who cares? It's not really my job to worry about that stuff, but it is my job (as an American) to watch TV and I don't have cable any more so the choices are limited, ya'll. (LOL?) Anyway, seriously, these kids are too cute. The only part that really disturbs me is that one day they'll all inevitably grow up to be damaged, jaded adults like the rest of us. Their innocence is the most refreshing thing I've seen on TV in a long time. I mean, the worst thing anyone has done so far is graffiti another team's sleeping quarters WITH CHALK. Ah, kids. I wish I could be one again. But anyway, here's Sophia. Check out her awesome dance moves.

I gotta have more cowbell.

Funniest SNL sketch ever. Just trying to make you LOL.

Meet Conan!

Mah nu kitteh. And I think he wants a cheeseburgah.

Goodbye Big Brother, Hello The Office!!

My speakers somehow became disconnected on this stupid computer and I have not the time nor the patience to move the big huge desk and try to figure out which wire in the nest of wires will reconnect them, SO I don't actually know what this video is about, but I have no doubt in my mind that it is funny and that you will enjoy it. K bye.

Damn you stupid Donatos. Bastards.

Well, Big Brother 8 is over (or might as well be)...and the father-daughter team that I so hoped would fail somehow triumphed. Ah well. I'll never get back any of those Sunday/Tuesday/Thursday nights of my life so I might as well just embrace it, right? It's all your fault, Eric! You screwed the whole thing up. And don't blame it on America, either. Whatever!
I'll have to say I'm a little intrigued about what's going to happen to Amber when she gets out and has to answer to the Jews that she bashed under her breath (but on camera!) to Jameka. I wonder if Gangsta God will be there to protect her...

Celebrate we did, cause life is short but sweet for certain...

Saturday we saw Dave at Piedmont Park in Atlanta. I can truthfully say it was the best concert of my life so far. I couldn't even begin to describe it, but from "Two Step" (2nd song he played!) to the "All Along the Watchtower" encore, it was AMAZING! Here's Dave joining the Allman Brothers for some "Melissa." I'm that little speck in the crowd drunkenly dancing her ass off. I should have some pics to post in a day or two.

OMG, a Hello Kitty wedding at the airport.

What the f**k?!! And why does the groom look so confused?

Kittenz iz cute. I haz alwayz thot dat.

Courtesy of (i.e., stolen from) icanhascheezburger.com.

You quench my heart & quench my mind...

This is a song dedication to the best roommate ever, Karen, who's only my roommate for two more days...I didn't think any apartment would beat our duplex in the red light district of McDonald Street, but living downtown has been f*ing awesome. So why do you have to go and get married?! Just kidding. You know I'm happy for ya. Thanks for always being there...Cam & I love you! Oh, and congrats on the wedding, Mrs. Ronan!

P.S. One more week until the Dave concert!

Waaaamber: America's Next Top Model

I'm apologizing in advance for posting this, because I am aware that nobody (besides me & Karen) really cares, but this girl Amber on Big Brother 8...oh my God, I don't believe anyone is this stupid. A part of me really wants to believe that she is an actor planted in the house by CBS just to annoy the other houseguests. Actually, yeah, that's what I'm going to choose to believe. Nobody can be this dumb...right? Can they?

Miss South Carolina reinforces my theory about South Carolinians

I always knew there was something not quite right about those folks across the 5th Street Bridge. Especially the ones that live out past the gypsy camp. This video (which you've probably already seen; it's even been on CNN, a.k.a. the "news") definitely proves me right. Here's Miss South Carolina...talking about the lack of maps in our classrooms(?),some place called "the Iraq" and um, yeah, just watch.

(I'm kidding, B5C. I couldn't help myself. Not all South Carolinians are idiots...)

Happy Birthday David!

From,
Manda & Cameron
P.S. Wish you were here! We miss you!

Blah blah Big Brother blah blah

I got a little excited on Sunday when I found out Amber (a.k.a. Waaaaamber) was up for eviction. I was hoping the little oblivious Jew-hating crybaby might go home before she has a chance to "swear on her daughter's life" ever again. (Her poor daughter!) But Daniele won the veto and saved her dumber-than-a-fifth-grader ass from eviction, so we can look forward to at least one more week of this:

Thanks, CBS!

Elvis was a huge Elvis fan

This video of Elvis drunk (or high? both?) on stage totally made my morning. Hope it brightens your day as well!

Guess what time it is!

I just got back from vacation, still have a whole day tomorrow to "commune with nature," and Dustin got voted off of Big Brother. Yes! (They have Big Brother in Texas too! And it comes on earlier!) That's all the news I have for today. Oh yeah, and it's Peanut Butter Jelly Time! (I know it's old...don't care...)

To riding your bike midday past the three piece suits!

Just taking a minute to post some bike-riding pics...as I sit in this freezing cold office facing another mundane work day, wishing it was Sunday. Why can't every day be Sunday? (*Sigh*) Anyway, hope you enjoy.